New Noob: A New Moon Parody
by Kaki Enirtle
Summary: By request The sequel to Twitlight. Edward came out, Bella doesn't believe him and Jacob.. is still Jacob. T for language and dialogue.
1. Chapter 1

**Here, by request, is a New Moon parody. Once again, I don't own Twilight saga nor do I like it. I like making parodies of it.. but that's it. Review, if you could :P Oh and yes, I did watch New Moon. And no, I did not read it. **

(Dream sequence)

I was in a pretty, pretty meadow. It was pretty. I could not find Edward. A few feet away from me, I saw movement. I thought it was Edward because since I was obsessed with him, everything revolved around him. I went to the moving figure.

"Edward!" I yelled to it. Then, SLAM! I ran right into glass. "Damn.." I rubbed my forehead. I looked up. "Grandma?" I asked the figure.

I raised my finger to touch the glass. The grandma did the same. "Crap." I whispered. All of a sudden, Edward appeared next to me and.. her. My Edward kissed my hand. So did hers.

"Mmm. I love me some cougars." Edward smiled to the older one. It took me an hour, because I was naturally slow, to realize she and I were one. I realized that when she mimicked EVERYTHING I did. Oh and maybe when I slammed into the mirror. I guess. "Bella..BELLA!"

"BELLA! Wake up!" Charlie yelled into my ear, shattering my ear drums. I wonder if my ear drums were a drum set. Anyway when I did wake up, rubbing my now bleeding ear, he smiled. "Happy birthday."

"CRAP! That's today?" I asked. I totally forgot it was my birthday because I was too busy thinking of Edward's super perfection.

"Uh. Yeah. Anyway, I got you something. You can keep all your pictures of your friends in this.." He told me.

I cut him off, "A Laptop? COOL!"

"Well, not exactly." He pulled out a scrapbook from a sack he was carrying.

"Oh. Well that's crap. Thanks Dad." I frowned.

"I brought cupcakes..?" He held up the packed plate of cupcakes.

"OH YAY! All is forgiven!" I danced around the plate of cupcakes.

Time for school.

"Bella! Hey, I love you!" Mike informed me.

"Ew. You don't look like a Greek god, so I'll never love you!" I pushed him away.

"Bella! (empty meaningless chatter)" My friend, who's such a minor, forgotten character that I forgot her name, said.

"Oh great. Here comes Cullen." Eric frowned. He nodded to the direction Edward was.

I looked at where he nodded. Walking towards us, was perfection. He was wearing a purple shirt that was very shiny. He smiled at us and winked at Mike.

"Come on guys." Mike told the rest of the minor characters. "We're not needed." They walked away.

"Hi Honey!" I smiled at Edward.

"Uhm. Hi. Don't call me honey." He told me.

"Ok sweetie."

He sighed. "Never mind."


	2. Chapter 2

"Bella! Hey!" I heard somebody call. I think he was calling me. I looked back. It was Jacob.

"Jake, what are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Uh. I go here.." Jacob replied. He looked confused.

"No you don't." "You sit next to me in Math.."

"Oh right. That was you!" I remember now.

"Yeah, anyway. I wanted to give you this." He held up a dream catcher. "It's to fight the bad dreams."

"Wow. This is exactly what I need.." I told him. "Thanks. How'd you know?"

He grinned. "Edward's not your only stalker." Then, he ran up to some long haired guys.

"OMG. Who was that?" Edward asked. "And how come he gave you a gift? You won't let me." He pouted.

"He didn't know the rules.. That was Jacob Black." I answered, looking at his gift.

"Are you gonna ask him out?" He wondered.

"NO! I love only you! And then we'll get married!" I smiled at him.

"Damn Bella. I already told you. I'm gay. I spent my summer proving it to you! I sparkle!" Edward yelled, his hands on his hips.

"You'll snap out of it." I told him. He rolled his eyes. We walked together to class. We were in the hallways when I felt somebody's eyes on me. I looked back. It was Jasper, Edward's never blinking brother. He was with Alice, Edward's pixie sister. They were kinda together. When I asked them, they said it's fun to hook up with siblings.

"Happy Birthday Bella!" Alice yelled in my ear, the one that just stopped bleeding. It started again.

"Shh. Not so loud." I told her. "Thanks!"

"No problem. Party later, ok?" She smiled.

"What?" I looked at Edward. He shrugged. "Ok.."  
"YAY!" Alice started dancing around Jasper, who was still staring at me. 


	3. Chapter 3

That night, I wore a dress. In Forks, when somebody has a birthday, you must wear fancy clothes, even for a normal/vampire house party. The reason I am spending my birthday with a family that is not my own instead of my own family is unclear. At least my mom send me a gift with a card.

Dear Bella, Hey honey! Happy Birthday! I'm sorry I couldn't come there for you special day! I'm too busy being an unfit, careless parent to take care of you, remember? That's why I sent you to live with my equally unfit, careless ex-husband! I gave you this disposable Disney Princess camera to take pictures of your friends and send them to me. Then, I'll pretend to care about your life in Forks!  
Mom

I sent her a card back.

Dear Mom,  
Thanks. A disposable camera and a scrapbook. Yay.

Unwanted child named Bella.

Edward was waiting for me near my truck, wearing a tuxedo. Yeah, a girl in a dress and a guy in a tuxedo riding a barely working truck. Only in New Moon. I walked up to him.

"Can I ask for a gift?" I asked him.

"What? But you already said you didn't want one! I just blew my money on lip gloss!" He whined.

"Kiss me."

"Eeeeew."

"Or else I'll ask for something very expensive."

"Ugh. Fine." He glared at me. I closed my eyes. I felt his cold, hard lips on mine. I felt super happy.

"Ew." He pouted. He was wiping his lips and stomping his foot. "I feel so violated!"

Together, we rode to his house.

Alice took one look at me and shook her head. "No. Your hair doesn't match you outfit."

"Is that even possible?" I asked her as she pulled me to her room. I'll spare the details, because Edward wasn't here.

"It's time! Gather round!" Alice yelled to the room. They were all paired up and standing awkwardly. Rosalie was twirling her hair, Emmett was showing her his biceps, Jasper was staring at me, Carlisle and Esme were being boring.

"Oh here." I gave the crap camera to Alice. "My mom wants me to take pictures. You do appear in pictures right..?" I asked.

"Ok. And yes, we do. Idiot." Alice shook her head and started taking pictures.

"Open mine!" Emmett told me. I did. It was empty.

"Thanks.. How'd you know I wanted.. air?" I faked. Emmett, who was a bigger idiot than I, smiled.

I opened Alice's but since she used a blade as tape, I cut myself. Accidentally. Jasper, seeing the blood went wild. He tried to grab me but Edward pushed him to the piano and me to the wall. Because he didn't want me hurt. Jasper got up and tried again, but this time the useless minor characters stopped him.

"Jasper, it's only a little blood. I mean, the main arteries are slashed, but that's it." Alice told him. They didn't seem to care. Edward dragged me out. 


	4. Chapter 4

**I think I skipped some parts. But I'm not sure if it was important. **

* * *

"Edward, what happened was nothing. They didn't even care." I told him.

"Bella, I know. But I met someone. We're eloping. I have to leave." He told me gently.

"Take me with you."

"I don't want you, OK? I do not!" He told me tiredly.

"You..don't?" I asked, heart broken.

"Bella, damn. I'm gay! Queer! Batting for the other team! Get it?" Edward was on the verge of yelling.

"But.."

"NO! This is the last time you'll ever see me." He said. He leaned close and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes. When I opened them, he was gone. I fell to the ground and acted badly. I was heart broken. I stood up and walked back to my house.

(one month later.)

"Party time!" I yelled, holding up punch. I was dancing with Jessica and Eric. Ever since Edward left, I've had more time for myself and my social life. Charlie's house was filled with students from my grade. Some were drinking alcohol. Not the beer, but the ethyl. I drowned ten glasses of punch. Then, I blacked out.

When I woke up, Charlie was standing over me.

"Why wasn't I invited?" He wanted to know. He glared at me.

"Dad, I-"

"Am I not good enough? I'm an unfit parent. Isn't that what kids like?" He interrupted.

"It's not that."

"Then what? Am I not pretty enough?" He said, tears forming in his eyes.

"You're a cop. It's not cool."

"You never let me have FUN!" He cried then ran up to his room. I heard him sobbing. I sighed. I wanted to do something more exciting then an under aged drinking party at the house of a cop. I called up Jessica.

"Hey biatch. Wanna meet up later?" I asked her.

"Let's!" She replied.

We met up in town. We were walking when I saw a biker gang. I grinned.

"I'll be right back." I told Jessica as I walked up to the bikers.

"Bella! Wait!" Jessica called after me. I ignored her. I stopped dead in my tracks. I saw an image of Edward.

"Don't." The image said. I glared and continued.

"Turn around bright eyes." He told me.

"Shove it." I told the image and ran to the bikers.

"Hey baby." The leader, I guess, smiled. He had gap teeth.

"Mind if I join?" I asked him.

"Hop on."

I did. We rode very fast. I could feel wind brushing me. I could feel my heart thumping and my adrenaline flowing. Before I realized it, the ride was done. I got off and went over to Jessica.

"What the hell? You could've gotten killed." She scolded me.

"That's the best part." I smirked. "C'mon. I'm hungry."

* * *

**Almost finishing it up. I don't think I'll complete the whole new moon. I might. Lemme know what you think**


	5. Chapter 5

After my wild night in town (after eating, I was featured in Mary-Sue's gone wild), I decided that I loved motorcycle. They provided the excitement in my other wise boring life. Since I didn't have the money to buy a motorcycle, I decided to steal two useless ones. I had a friend who I could use to fix these.

"Jacob?" I called, looking for Jacob (duh.)

"Wait, I'll be right there." I heard him from the back of the house. A guy in a wheel chair rolled up to me. Billy, I think.

"Hey minor character in a wheel chair!" I greeted.

"Hey useless main character!" He greeted back. He rolled back into the house.

"Hey Bella! Long time no see!" Jacob said, giving me a hug.

"Hey Jake! Look, I have these two bikes that I need you to make into a new cool bike. If I pretend to like you, will you do it?" I told him, leading him to the back of my truck where the bikes were.

"Sure why not? I'm hot and girls who are prettier and smarter than you throw themselves at me all the time but I don't mind them." He smiled. I smiled back.

We spent the next three weeks fixing the bike. Actually, he fixed the bike while I watched and made myself even more useless. Then, the moment I've been waiting for, the bike was ready. We needed to test it. Jacob helped me up the bike. He gave a some pointers before I rode of into the sunset. No I'm kidding, it was the middle of the day and I was riding slow.

I smiled to myself. It was all good until a ghost Edward appeared. I was so shocked that I rammed the bike that Jacob spent three weeks fixing for me into a tree. I was moving slow, but my forehead was still bleeding. Jacob took one look at the wound and took off his shirt. This has no relation to the wound. I looked at him as he wiped my wound with his shirt.

"You don't sparkle.." I observed.

"Only gay vampires sparkle." He informed me.

"I know." I replied miserably. I let him help me up and we rode back together in silence. It's always silent with me because I'm awkward.

"You can get out now." I told him. He did. I was about to drive back when some jerk jumped in front of my car. I got out.

"Hey dumbass? Wanna die?" I yelled at him. From the side of the road, his two friends emerged.

"We are werewolves and we'll kill you!" He told me. I threw a rock at him. He became a werewolf.

"Awww. Kitty!" I yelled. I ran up to the werewolf and petted his head. He wagged his tail and licked my fingers.

"NO BELLA! I'm a cute kitty too!" Jacob yelled, running towards me. Then, he became a werewolf too.

"AAW! Two kitty!" I yelled, hugging them both.

"Let's go in.." One of the guys said.

"Don't stare at Sam. She'll get angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry!" The other one said.

We went inside. Sam waved at us. Her face was full of scars.

"HOLY CRAP! What the hell happened to you?" I asked. One of the guys glared at me. "What? I'm not staring." I told them. "OOOH. Cookies!" I exclaimed, grabbing one. Sam continued to glare at me.

"You shouldn't have said that." One of the guys whispered. I ignored him.

"What're you looking at, Scar face?" I asked her, munching on the cookie.

* * *

**Lol, no comment.**


	6. Chapter 6

After Sam left me bleeding on the side of the road because I called her Scar face, Jacob offered to walk me home (what happened to my truck is currently unknown). I accepted, but only because the dark streets are scary for an idiot like me.

"Why Edward?" Jacob wanted to know. "He's a closet gay"

"Because.. just because. He's pretty." I told him. I kicked a leaf. Stupid leaf. It was ruining the world.

"That's a dense reason." He frowned. "I thought it'd be deeper."

"I'm stupid for liking him."

"You're stupid for more reasons than that." He smiled. He stopped walking. "This is where you live."

"Oh. I didn't know that." I looked at the house. "K thanks bye." I told him and shoved him away.

I went inside and set my keys down the table.

"Bella." I jumped and looked at where the voice came from.

"ALICE?" I asked, shocked. I leaned to her.

"Duh."

"I thought you guys ran away.." I told her.

"We did. But I came back because I want you and Ed to be together. I hate his boyfriend."

"But he doesn't want me.."

"Hello? It's called gay intervention. I'm sure it exists somewhere." She told me, pulling me. "Let's go. He's about to come out to the public."

(ON THE PLANE)

"Ma'am please fasten your seatbelt." The stewardess told me, smiling.

"No. I don't wanna!" I pouted.

"Bella damn. Do what she says." Alice told me, her own seatbelt fastened. I ignored her.

"Ma'am, it's not a request." She was still smiling. I just smiled back.

"Bella." Alice squeezed my arm. I pulled it away from her.

"Ma'am. Fasten. Your. Seatbelt." She repeated. I could hear the strain in her voice. Her smile was forced.

"No." I told her. I giggled.

"That does it!" She yelled. She jumped on me. It was the second time that day that I got beaten up. They handcuffed me to my seat. Alice, beside me, was glaring.

(AFTER THE PLANE RIDE)

"Bella, run! It's going to be too late!" Alice yelled.

"Why is it so important that he stay closet?" I asked.

"Because the Voltouri, a secret society for gay vampires, don't want people to know that gay vampires exist!" Alice told me. She urged me to run for it. I did.

Then, I saw him. He was getting on the stage, smiling. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me (obviously not very fast, hello uselessness). I slammed into him, pushing him inside. I hugged him and he pushed me back.

"What are you doing here?" He asked me, looking to see if anyone saw. We saw Alice running towards us. Edward waved. Alice leaned on Edward, catching her breath. The Voltouri, sadly, saw us. The younger blonde one (OMG. Dakota Fanning!) told us to follow her.

"Shit." Alice whispered beside me. She and Edward shared a glance. The main guys of the Voltouri were sitting down, waiting for us when we got there.

"You planned to come out?" The dark haired drag queen asked.

"Yes. I'm tired of hiding." Edward told them, looking down.

"Well, what about us? We never came out." The blonde one next to drag queen told him.

"There's only one thing to be done." The dark haired one sighed.

"What?" Alice asked.

"We have to de-gay him. I think I've heard of that happening before. We must change him."

At hearing this, Edward went wild. He tried to escape. There were too many guards. They were about to kill him (I was just standing, eating the peanuts from the plane) when Alice stepped in.

"WAIT!" She yelled. "I'll change him myself."

The dark haired one and the blonde one seemed to like this idea.

"Alright." He set us free, that easy.

(Skip to Cullen household.)

"Alright, who's in favor of Edward being straight?" Alice asked them. "Jasper?"

"I'd like that. I like going to the bathroom without fear of Edward spying." Jasper smiled.

"Rosalie?"

"No way. Who'll be my Barbie?" She scoffed.

Alice sighed. "That's one yes and one no. Emmett?"

"Sure. I agree with what Jasper said." He grinned.

"Good. Esme?"

"My little girl will be a little boy." Esme nodded her yes.

"Carlisle?"

"Agree with Jasper and Emmett." Carlisle smiled.

"Sorry Rosalie. I vote a yes. Edward, I have to change you." Alice told Edward. Edward solemnly nodded. 


	7. Finale

It has been four months already. We were at the Voltouri HQ, to prove that Edward was no longer gay.

"First test," the dark haired one (who I learned was named Aro) started. "Is to see if you sparkle."

The blonde, Caius, flipped a switch to open the roof. It was to let the sunlight in. I was expecting Edward to still sparkle. He didn't.

"Very good. Sparkle is gone." Jane, the younger blonde girl (OMG! Dakota Fanning!), nodded. She was holding a clipboard and I saw her check something off.

"Next, the picture test." Caius told Edward. He went to his bag and got out a picture of *insert random hot guy's name*. He showed it to Edward. Edward rolled his eyes. Caius went back and got a picture of *insert random hot girl's name*. Edward smiled really wide and tried to grab the picture. Then, for fun, Caius got a picture of me. Edward barfed on Caius' foot.

"Ok. I think he's straight enough." Aro told them, waving his hand as if to dismiss us all. Edward and I walked back to the car.

"Tell me you're not going away again." I told him, shielding my eyes from the sun.

"I don't know."

"Please?"

He smiled. "On one condition."

"Anything."

He held up a document. "This is a restraining order. When we get back to Forks, you are not to be withing 300 ft. of me." He turned serious.

"W-what?" I asked, confused.

"Oh yeah. And Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm British."

:THE END: 


End file.
